Portugal Ash Spreading

Something I have been doing since Chris passed away is spreading his ashes in meaningful places to him. These include places we spent a lot of time together, places he grew up around and places we said we always wanted to go together. I have knocked off 7 out of the 11 places on the list already and a couple extra just for me. I am going to keep the full list private for now, but wanted to share some photos of the 2 spots I spread his ashes in Portugal.

What is the significance of Portugal? Chris’ mother is Portugese, her parents were both born in the Azores and moved to Toronto before she was born. Chris and I had always talked about planning a trip there and almost went there on our honeymoon.

The first spot I went to in Portugal was the most western point of all Portugal, called Cabo da Roca. It was the closest I could physically get to the Azores without taking a boat or small plane.

It was very, very windy that day as evidence in the photos above. My hair was flying every which way.

My friends and I scoped out the area until I felt like I found the right spot, I got emotional as soon I was in it, so I knew it was right. We set up away from the tourist crowds and on my phone I played the song Chris walked down the aisle to on our wedding day: “Die a Happy Man” by Thomas Rhett. Click the link to listen if you like.

This spot felt like the Earth was meeting the Heavens, a barely visible horizon. It was perfect.

As I listened to the song, especially to these lyrics:

“If I never get to see the Northern lights
Or if I never get to see the Eiffel Tower at night
Oh if all I got is your hand in my hand
Baby I could die a happy man”

I prayed, thinking about Chris and our time together, thankful for the time I did have with him. Then I cried.

When the song completed I stood up and slowly and gently started to let go of the ashes. The first batch of ash flew right back into my face! I should of probably not held it straight out. My mistake, but also maybe Chris just wanted to be close? haha

I continued to let a few more ashes fly in the wind and at the end of song launched some bougainvillea petals we had collected along the way. I could hear a faint cheer from the people watching in the distance. Chris had found his way to Portugal.

When I made it back to Carina (my wonderful Austrian friend, who has been more like a big sister to me my whole life and who took these photos with my camera), I was covered in tears and ash. Hair blown every which way in a tangled, ash-filled mess – it felt like I had put wayyyy too much dry shampoo in my hair. But, I didn’t notice at all, I just hugged her. We cried and she said something along the lines of “I love you, that was so beautiful, but you are a mess, let’s get you cleaned up now.”

When I saw myself in the mirror I laughed out loud. I was a huge mess. But, I was happy and grateful in that mess. Happy I made it all this way to check this major bucket list item for Chris and I. We did it!

My second spot was in Lagos, Portugal. A gorgeous area that I would gladly visit again. When I saw this area I knew I wanted to come back at sunset on August 5th – the anniversary of the day Chris asked me to his girlfriend and spread some of Chris’ ashes here. He would have loved it here.

Barefoot because it was too scary to wear flip flops walking down this path. Plus, I think Chris would have appreciated me not wearing shoes, there is something spiritual about being connected to the ground that way. Feeling the sand between your toes, getting some dirt on ya.

It was also very windy here, but I learned from the first time to not let go of the ashes right in front of my face if the wind is coming towards me haha.

My final toss in Portugal with the petals. How beautiful and meaningful it was. I almost slipped while throwing them and my heart jumped out of my chest. I might pick slightly less dangerous spots next time.

Carina sweetly asked if she could spread some of his ashes as well:

Moving through grief is hard. And I say “through” for a reason. We have to face it head on and go through it, we can’t dance around or run away from it. The farther we run the worse it builds up in our lives and starts to affect us in different, unhealthy ways. I think an important part of getting through the grief is finding any bit of happiness and gratefulness within the mess. Whether that be checking off bucket list items, spreading ashes, spending quality time with special people, counting my blessings, travelling, making new goals, allowing yourself to have dreams again, keeping a gratitude journal, meditating, praying and talking to others about the good times you had with your lost loved one. It can look like whatever you need because it’s your mess. It’s your happy mess.

From one mess to another. Love, Marie