3 Years Later

I have been thinking about what to say here for the past week. We lost Chris on September 15, 2017 – I found out the following evening after photographing a wedding and then most of our family and friends found out the morning of September 17th, 2017. When talking to them now I realize we each have different days in mind when we remember what happened and we all remember that exact moment when we found out.

3 years seems like a long time, but it also doesn’t.

I feel like a lot has happened since, but sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I opened my door for the Delta Police, they sat me down at the kitchen table and told me my husband; Chris Ekren, had passed away. The hardest thing for me to talk about to this day is that moment I found out. It was the moment my life flipped completely upside down. My worst nightmare had come true. This could not be real life. This is a movie. I remember saying that multiple times – “This doesn’t feel like real life.”

And if I’m completely honest sometimes it still doesn’t feel like real life to me. Everything that happened that night and all the things that have happened since – I could probably write a decent movie script about. I have seen God show up so clearly in my life granting me opportunities I didn’t know I would ever experience. Bucket list items have been checked off left and right. I may have done more travelling in the past 3 years than previously in my entire life; California, Mexico, Utah, Arizona, North and South Carolina, New York, Australia, New Zealand, Greece, Austria, Portugal and more. I have been through a bunch of highs and through a lot of lows, this year especially. 2020 hasn’t been the greatest year for any of us.

Delicate Arch, Moab, Utah

Huntington Beach, CaliforniaAngels Landing, Zion National Park, UtahHopetoun Falls, Australia

Horseshoe Bend, Page, Arizona

Did you know that “medically” grief is supposed to be about 3 months?

After 3 months you are supposed to be able to return to your regular routine and start to establish a new routine. While that may be somewhat accurate (I did write this “Learning to Grieve” post after about 3 months) it doesn’t mean the pain of grief isn’t still there. 3 years later or 30 years later, it will always be there. It’s not something you “get over” or “move on” from. So please don’t use those words, I have caught myself doing it and my family corrects me too (so no judgement on anyone). We can only really “move forward.” 

I am at a place now where I feel okay. I’m not amazing, I’m not unhappy, I am okay. I am still taking steps of healing. Most recently I was finally able to pick up and attempt to play Chris’ acoustic guitar. It took me about 2.5 years to do that and even then I needed encouragement from my wonderful roommate. Don’t be expecting me to make any beautiful music anytime soon though, I am verrry rusty. Chris only taught me one song on that guitar; “Love Story” by Taylor Swift. So, I am trying to learn that again and bought a 3/4 guitar as I needed something a little smaller to start to play on. I want to make him smile and learn a new skill myself!

A few photos from our engagement session photographed by Amber Hughes. I was inspired by a Taylor Swift video to hang photos of us in a forest <3

I am continuing to trust that there are better times ahead for me.

So, I want to spend some time here talking about Chris. When someone isn’t in your life for 3 years, their memory and presence does start to fade a bit and I don’t ever want to forget him. For those that knew him he had a quiet confidence and made friends easily. He was cool like that. He was athletic, talented, hard-working and inspired me in a lot of ways. I feel like whatever he worked hard on and put his mind to he would excel in it. He was motivational that way too. He was a reader; loved Harry Potter and in the later years he would read business books and books about personal growth. We both would read those. He discovered the joy of being outdoors; camping, hunting, fishing and lovin’ everyday – yes, I took that from the Luke Bryan song haha. For the record I was the first person to teach him how to fish. Some people may be surprised by that. I grew up a little more country and he grew up a little more city. So, I had to introduce him to some new things as he did for me.

Here are a few photos of him.

He loved Decoy and was so excited to get his dream dog.

About a month after he passed I wrote this blog post called “Honouring Chris.”  I just re-read it now and I am amazed I was able to write what I did, speak what I said at his memorial and maintain hope through it all. I think supernatural strength from God is the only way that happened. If you feel like remembering Chris today, click HERE to watch Chris’ Memorial Video put together by his brother and/or take a look through the gallery of photos called “Honouring Chris.” In it are photos of him we used in the service, our wedding photos, video and more photos. I have opened it up for people to view and download photos. Friends, please contact me for the password to upload and download photos. Click HERE to access it.

3 years later and while I am okay – I can’t pretend it’s easy seeing friends getting married and having babies; moving forward with their lives. I still feel like I am stuck, frozen in time. This is partly due to the current pandemic and travel restrictions, not being able to see loved ones and other things beyond my control. We have all had to learn and adapt in these harder times and it has felt like a wave of grief upon everyone. I think the best thing we can do is just continue to have hope and focus on the good. Focus on things we can do, new things we can try, local things we haven’t experienced, build on the relationships you can, Facetime more, start a new hobby, get creative and always love first and foremost.

With love and hope for the future, Marie <3